REBOOT POST: Top 7 Monstrous Star Wars Moments that Scared the Plasma out of Me

The Wait is OVER!!

So so so so so SO sorry I kept you waiting, but hey, I'm back. 2016, love it or hate it, the new year is here, as well as a New Years resolution to keep working on this forsaken piece of code. How many of you have seen the new Star Wars? I'm guessing a lot of you, but the important thing is that it's back in business baby. Love or hate it this iconic franchise has been an icon of Hollywood and science fiction. Since 1977 it keeps finding ways to dazzle us with its striking locations, memorable characters, and engaging lore. It made us cry, it made us laugh, smile, and even recoil of in terror. This list deals with the last part. Since I was young and foolish child this series has constantly found new ways the scare the living plasma out of me with the beasts that have 'graced' the TV screen weather they be practical or CGI, and has left nothing short of mental scarring and an occasional emptying of the rectum. For this list, There are two rules to this: we're dealing with films only, and no "scary for the wrong reasons" B.S. So hey, I'm The Man of Steele for Steeleopedia's Top 7 Monstrous Star Wars Moments.

Number 7

The Dianoga

IT came from beneath the waste

There are plenty of locations in the galaxy that give home to creatures whose sole purpose in life is to give you a horrible agonizing death. They can be found in swamps, oceans, deserts you name it, but what planet destroying space stations? It is on the correctly named Death Star that you another kind of death, one that the bajillion stormtroopers, turbo laser mounts, bottomless pits and ticked-off Sith Lords fail to offer.  Enter the Dianoga: a tentacled octopus-like creature usually found in garbage dumps. Their diet consists of garbage, more garbage, and unlucky Jedi trainees who just so happen to stumble into the trash compactor where it lives. The monster's attempt to drown was scary on it's own and that periscope eye.

Yeah, I prefer being shot by Space Nazis; if they can even land a dang shot (*canned laughter*)! Also drowning in that sludge; that's scary on its own

Number 6

The Nexu, and the Acklay

Sweet Dreams Guys

Now all the Star Wars films have there own little fear-inducing moments and the prequels are no-exception, as if they weren't already scary enough (for the wrong reasons however). It was during the development of Attack of the Clones where the guys at Lucasfilm were all like "Okay our heroes have been captured by the bad guys, so what should they do with them," then one guy is all "Hey, here's an idea, how they put them into an Execution Arena, and instead of gallows or beheading or something clean, the antagonists throw in a four eyed tiger with two tails and quills, all while oversized dragonflies cry out there bloodlust!" and then some other twit is like "But why should stop there!" and so the Nexu and Acklay were born. Two child-traumatizers in one scene; what's not to like. As scary as heck as it was, it didn't make it any higher because it actually wasn't the first time this was done, and the fact that there was a third crime against nature but that was nothing more than a three-horned bull.

Number 5

Opee Sea Killer, Colo Claw Fish and the Sando Aqua Monster

Move over Jaws. 

You thought two beasts weren't bad enough, well screw you cause they've threw in three. Bodies of water have long been used as a horror device because there is just so unsettling about it liquid nature, near opaqueness and the very inability for us to breathe it. So for the sake of being A-holes the guys at Lucasfilm decided to throw in their own little sea monster (more like monsters) into the mix. Our protagonists, a just heading along to Theed in a local submarine when all the sudden a giant crustacean comes out of the blue (or black for that matter) and attempts to devour them! Enter the Opee Sea Killer, which as one site calls it "The ultimate nightmare of every ichthyophobe." The worst part about them is that they're not even at the top of the bloody food chain. They get eaten by Colo Claw Fishes, and those end up in the bellies of Sando Aqua Monsters. It one thing when you're in a arena, it's another when your kilometres under the dark ocean and that at any moment your sub can turn into a water filled coffin. Also worth mentioning is the fact they attempted to kill the 21st century Jim Crow and fanboy punching bag Jar Jar (frackin') Binks; that deserves some credit if you ask me.

Number 4

Rathtars

You think because the franchise was forked over to Disney that they wouldn't scar children for life in Episode 7 right?...

WRONG!! Let's not forget were talking about the guys that were responsible for crap like Bald Mountain in Fantasia, The hallucinations in Dumbo, Pleasure Island in Pinocchio, etc, etc, etc. Also they're world class parent killers, so it should be NO surprise that they would give the green light to my number 4 spot. Oh, and don't get me started on what J.J. Abrams had to offer before this film.

JUST LOOK AT THIS THING!!

No seriously, just take a good long regretful look at this thing. Seriously it's like the Kraken from the second Pirates of the Caribbean had a love affair with Attack of the Killer (frackin') Tomatoes! They're a giant mass of tentacles, insect eyes, and slow agonizing death that roll around look for their next victim; nothing more, nothing less. Even more frightening is that some boneheads pay boneheaded sums of money to keep them as EXOTIC PETS!! On top of that one of those boneheads just so happen to be our favourite Corellian smuggler: Han Solo!...

...Wait, that shouldn't be a shock at all.

Number 3

Rancor

If you are a big fan of researching all the mumbo jumbo the franchise has to offer, you'll notice that every planet in some way wants you to book and early trip to Heaven (or Hell). However none seem to do it more creatively than Tatooine. You got scorching heat, lack of water, rowdy cantina patrons, and ticked off nomads. Every place has claimed a name and some have claimed even more; which brings us to Jabba's palace. Remember that scene in a new hope when Kenobi had this to say about Mos Eisley "You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." oh my dear Ben you have not been to Jabba's palace. Yeah, I'm talking about crap like robbers, bounty hunters, murderers, and sentient machines that torture their own kind for fun apparently, and sleazy dancers who the carnal slime ball can't help but have 'feelings' for (if you know what I mean *wink*). 

Even for a criminal Jabba is a well respected man or in this case slug, but he has an ill temper to match. If I was a crime lord and I was in charge of a double-crosser's fate it would just be a shot to the head and a decent funeral, but the Hutt has his ways. One of them is dropping you from his throne room into...

...the pit! *Toccata and Fugue music*. 

It could've had anything merciful and instantaneous like a lava pool or a cluster of spikes;... 



...ha ha ha NO! Instead we're treated to this thing.

It's official: The Devil walks among  us us.

Like something out of a mid 1900's monster flick, the Rancor is truly a force to be reckoned with. Mindless, enraged and constantly looking for it's next meal in the form of dancers unwilling to *ahem* 'make love'; unlucky guards; and aspiring Jedi Knights. I mean this thing nearly stopped me from watching Return of the Jedi, and that alone is the reason why it deserves to be so high on this list.

Number 2

Abominable Snowman; EAT YOUR HEART OUT!

Wampa

Unfortunately the Rancor wasn't the first time Lucasfilm gave us fanged, lumbering abominations. Now that you've seen it's picture you're all probably wondering, "well how can you put the freakin' Abominable Snowman over the Rancor." Well, let me tell you, that it's what we don't see that terrifies us. One of the main factors is the biosphere it resides in. Having a white coat of fur, it blends in perfectly with it's surroundings, making it the perfect ambush predator. As you can't see *bleep* in the merciless weather, the Wampa can just stroll right up and you wouldn't even notice until your mount smelt something bad in the air, and by bad I mean murderous, not the other kind of bad.        

The worst part is unlike the Racor where it had the decency to bit the victim in half to stop it struggling down it's throat, it just drags your unconscious body to its lair like a cow to the slaughterhouse. 

Now you're probably saying out of your trembling mouth...

...what could be worse?

Number 1

Sarlacc

WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW!!??

As if I thought Jabba in Return of the Jedi couldn't get any scarier, the movie just says "screw you" and gives us the top spot. There are two kinds of people in Star Wars, those who tick Jabba off; and those who REALLY tick Jabba off. You thought the Rancor was bad, please the top spot will make the Racor pit look merciful by comparison. If you're really unlucky to land in the latter category, you would be VERY unlucky to be taken to his OTHER pit! The Great Pit of Carkoon is just that, a pit; but there's more to it. It's home to the Sarlacc, basically a circular maw in the ground with teeth and tentacles that Jabba-watching from his Barge- watches his henchmen push off a skiff holding the poor sucker(s) into.  But what seals the deal is...

...I'll let C-3PO do the talking

"In his belly you will find a new definition of suffering; as you are slowly digested over a *stammers* thousand years."

YOU HEARD THAT CORRECTLY!! Practically redefining "a fate worse than death" that alone puts it on top. Now some of you viewers might say "well what if die of starvation or dehydration" yeah well I hate to put your comforting thoughts to rest, this beast keeps its victims alive for the whole unbearable 'experience'. On top of that the creature is a semi-sentient sadist due to the fact it tortures it's victims mentally as somehow accesses the victim's consciousness. NOW you see why it's up here! For as bad as Jabba's henchmen can be you got to feel sorry for all the ones that fell into the maw. Also Boba Fett escaped from this thing after he got eaten: that only makes the creature more famous (or infamous if you prefer)

Thanks for being patient with me, I'll be back with more posts sooner or later. But hopefully sooner.

Until then, see you next time.