NC-17 (Nerdy Content from a 17-year old) The Legend of Zelda

Now as a late teen in an age of “so much to do, so little time” you think I have a lot more to do besides flipping through wood and ink. This is where my other time waster comes into play: gaming. From the first days of playing Super Mario 64 on my Grandmother’s N64 to the days when it’s just me and an iPad in hand, (and occasionally a Wii U Gamepad or a Mac keyboard) I’ve got a knack for it. My quench for instant gratification in this medium knows no limits or genre. And only at the end of last year was a whole new medium opened up.

Just last year my strict, Castro wannabe parents finally allowed internet access on my aforementioned Wii U allowing me to play the hundreds of classic games, and finally uncover why all those basement-dwelling, couch-bound, self-indulgent Gen Y’s keep ranting on about why the 80’s and/or 90’s where “the best decade ever”. So I got a classic title to try and make sense of that mindset. This title to be precise.

The Legend of Zelda is known to be one of the most influential and best games of its time, setting a new standard for games to come with it’s open-ended, enthralling world; one which was only limited to early computers, and they looked a little something like this.

As fun as it is, can it be compared with the likes of World of Warcraft or the Skyrim?

Well, let’s find out.

Our tale begins in the mystical land of Hyrule, ruled by princess Zelda. She is a holder of one of the three pieces the triforce -- a godly, near omnipotent power which each of piece representing one of three attributes: Power; Courage and Wisdom with Zelda as the holder of the triforce of wisdom. However, another holder of the triforce, an overly ambitious wizard named Ganon  ( because it’s so frickin’ cliche to say evil ) abducts her in an attempt to acquire the triforce all for himself. Before her abduction, she shatters her own part of the triforce into eight shards and anxiously waits for a saviour, and she gets one: a teenager in green pajamas named Link. So now it’s up to him to acquire the eight shards, storm Ganon’s palace and go all Liam Neeson on his sorry rear end. So yeah a classic timeless tale of "guy saves gal"; those sexist animals.

Now for the mechanics. When you’re first thrown into the foray and blown away by the amazing sprite work and graphics (well for its day), Link can’t do a thing besides moving in his basic four directions: north; south; east; and west. On the same screen, your eyes should be drawn to the cave in the upper left corner, where Link will get a wooden sword from the old geezer after he utters the famous line.

Come on, I’ve got a powerful sorcerer to slay, and I really doubt a sword made of wood would do the trick.

It is from here on out where the real fun begins. Unlike traditional side-scrollers like Super Mario, this game has an emphasis on exploration so you actually have to go looking for the right places. Being that way it’s not only limited to looking for dungeons and reclaiming triforce shards.

You’ll come across shops that’ll sell you items that are inessential for the journey ahead. Such as a bow and arrow that COSTS. MONEY. TO. SHOOT. Bombs which open up otherwise inaccessible pathways in dungeons or blow holes that crack open walls to open up secrets in the overworld. Also, a candle that can help quench your curiosity as instead of blowing up walls it burns bushes to uncover secrets. There can be a number of things such as shops that’ll sell certain items not found elsewhere or the same item at a discount; more old geezers who’ll give you a health potion or permanent health slot; even more old cronies who’ll give you a better sword when you’re health is at a certain level; or people who’ll be generous enough to donate a sum of rupees (the game’s currency) to your cause.

However, this can be a chore all on its own. You know how I’ve said this game is open-ended, well maybe it’s too open-ended. It doesn’t help that all those weak walls and flammable bushes look like EVERY OTHER FREAKIN WALL AND BUSH, and it’s not like that excuse for a map is going to help you out. Not to mention you’ve got to be careful about which wall you bomb or which bush you burn, as not only you’ll find people that’ll help you on your quest but also these little houses which will charge you to repair their “door”.

DOOR REPAIR!?! FOR A FREAKIN PIECE OF ROCK!?!?!?!?

Also there are these sores on Satan’s skin who always screw me over with their little gambling game. EVERY DANG TIME!!!

But that’s only the least of your problems as this game is as tough as tetanus infested nails. Now, in the over world it’s not too bad, but it’s the dungeons where things get really heat up. This especially becomes more prevalent as enemy and level design get more antagonizing than a vanilla coated Academy Awards lineup.

They include darknuts (heavy emphasis on the nut) which can’t be attacked from the from the front;

uh bouncing rabbit heads;

wizzrobes who just teleport everywhere like mad;

the ironically named like-likes which’ll dissolve your expensive shield;

and *shudders* the hands, that’ll take you back to the very beginning of the dungeon!

It’s not like Link is the most adept fighter as he moves like a tank and this has lead to a lot of preventable deaths painful moments. But the star that tops the Christmas tree of horse scat is the correctly named Death Mountain because you’re are going to die -- a LOT!! So many enemies, so many dead ends and so. many. ways. to die. However, the fight with Ganon isn’t as egregious as the dungeon itself as it’s nothing more that memorizing attack patterns and striking at the right time. However, you better hope you’ve come across the silver arrows on your way to the room as without them you can’t deal the final blow. But when you do, oh is it so satisfying.

So how is it?

Despite its archaic status and aggravating design choices, there is still enough sunlight to break up the clouds and make it a nice day.

My score: A-

NC-17 (Nerdy Content from a 17 year old): Agatha Christie's And Then There Were None

I might as well apologize for the delay again, but by now we’re all just tired of it. Anyway I’ve been thinking what I can do for this miserable piece of code besides vacation stories and I’ve got an idea. Pointless filler content which is nothing more than talking about and then grading works of entertainment that none of you would give a crap about. Well it’s better than nothing and besides if you’ve got any better ideas I’d like to hear them. But for now this nonsense will have to do.

Now, on with the main attraction.

We’ve all had that feeling when watching, reading, or playing a work of mystery and suspense: heartbeat quickening every second, sweat pouring down the forehead; glutes on the very edge of the seat! Many have entered into this gripping medium; some have succeeded, and some have failed. But few have done it better than this groundbreaking novel; so join me ask nag on about one of the most prolific story from the Queen of Crime herself.

[Some numbskull in the background:] “By golly man; how long are you going rant on about Patricia Cornwell.”

[Me:] NOT HER, YOU DUNCE -- THE OTHER ONE!!

It’s hard to talk about the genre without some soul mentioning Agatha Christie. Whether it be Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple or her other detectives, she has undeniably left an immeasurable impact on the genre, and touched the hearts of millions of readers like me and later, hopefully, you. Just weeks ago, I got to view her magnum opus. Looking at the title itself you know you're going to be in for a treat -- but in a way it practically ruins it. Still, it’s better than her previous one which was called Ten Little Indians  (it was the 30’s what would you expect!) but the one before that was a lot worse. I MEAN, SERIOUSLY?! THAT DOESN’T SOUND TERRIFYING; THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN OFFENSIVE NURSERY RHYME! (Actually, it was a nursery rhyme, so, you win this round political incorrectness). Thankfully it has now been changed to Soldier Boys for the sake of preserving what little dignity white people have left.

This ain’t ol’ Mother Goose I’m talking about here but something quite different. And by different, I mean as macabre as heck with each of the ten meeting grisly fates, from getting burned up in the sun to living in Devon. No, I’m serious -- one of them ends up living in Devon.

I could rant on about the rhyme itself for some good ol’ comic relief but not right here.

With that out of the way, on with the actual story.

First of all, it sets the stage perfectly, with eight innocent strangers invited by a U.N. Owen to reside at a nice mansion on Soldier Island. Peculiar enough in each of the guest’s bedrooms there resides the Ten Little Soldier Boys rhyme mentioned before.

But before anyone takes a good long look at it, dinner (or tea time, or whatever they call it) is ready.

So they're just relishing in the fine dining when all the sudden out of the blue a voice known only as (wait for it) The Voice, calls out each of their “crimes” ranging from innocent accidental deaths ones with motives that are just ludicrous. After discussing the events that unfolded they attempt to calm down with a helping of Champagne, but one chokes from his meal which is later revealed to be laced with cyanide, eerily matching one of the first lines of the rhyme.

“one choked his little self and then there were nine.”

And this is why I don’t drink alcohol.

It only goes downhill from there, as both the body count and the level of suspense grow with each fatality; how’s that for a suspense novel!

Some say that a story is as only good as its characters. Boy does this story deliver on it. I have never encountered any novel since Stephen King’s The Stand where I genuinely cared about all the characters and what happened to them. There was one part in the story where I went: “NO, NOT HIM!!” but come on, It’s not like it wasn’t going to happen anyway. Another thing I admire about it is that every chapter itself is divided into sections marked with roman numerals, so it’s a lot easier to keep track of where I’m at rather than just trying to memorize the page. The pacing is nicely done as well and the moments of suspense are evenly plotted throughout with a little backstory and some nice character development filling in the blanks.

But by far one of the best aspects of the story is the ending. If the title hasn’t suggested to you already, the grim rhyme basically tells how the mystery starts and ends, and at said end, you’re left in fevered speculation as to who did it and why. But thankfully it does reveal it. At the very end, a fisherman comes across a classic message in a bottle containing a manuscript. In said manuscript, it reveals the killer’s motives and more importantly, the identity. The culprit had a fascination with crime and became obsessed with it. Also, he was dying of a disease so he thought as a last hurrah he would set the stage for an unsolvable murder mystery centered around the Ten Little Soldier Boys poem. Well there’s an issue with this otherwise ‘bright’ idea:

THE PUZZLE AIN’T UNSOLVABLE WHEN YOU’VE GOT THE ANSWER JUST FLOATING IN THE WATER!!!

As for the identity of the killer; how about I just keep you in suspense until and let you actually find out yourselves.

My grade overall: I’d give an A+; for apprehension