Carols that NO ONE will being singing at your door anytime soon

Because I’m a demented psychopath with a twisted sense of humour, I’ve created two parodies of
popular Christmas songs for your viewing (dis)pleasure.
I’m pretty sure you’re able to figure out what they’re lampooning.

Ol’ Krampus is Coming to Town

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout

or you’re surely gonna die

Ol’ Krampus is coming to town

He’s bringing his switch

The scars won’t look nice

On those that he finds are haughty and full of vice

Ol’ Krampus is coming to town

In his sack you’ll still be sleeping

In his oven you shall wake

And parents are in cahoots with him

So run like hell for heaven’s sake!

Oh, you better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout

or you’re surely gonna die

Ol’ Krampus is coming to town

12 Hours of Doomsday

On the first hour of doomsday

My cruel fate gave to me

A Partridge in a Bare Tree

On the second hour of doomsday

My cruel fate gave to me

Two Tornadoes

and a Partridge in a Bare Tree

On the third hour of doomsday

My cruel fate gave to me

Three Freak Storms

Two Tornadoes

and a Partridge in a Bare Tree

On the fourth hour of doomsday

My cruel fate gave to me

Four Falling Rocks

Three Freak Storms

Two Tornadoes

and a Partridge in a Bare Tree

On the fifth hour of doomsday

My cruel fate gave to me

Five Molten Peaks

Four Falling Rocks

Three Freak Storms

Two Tornadoes

and a Partridge in a Bare Tree

On the sixth hour of doomsday

My cruel fate gave to me

Six preachers praying

Five Molten Peaks

Four Falling Rocks

Three Freak Storms

Two Tornadoes

and a Partridge in a Bare Tree

On the seventh hour of doomsday

My cruel fate gave to me

Seven Seas-A-Simmering

Six preachers praying

Five Molten Peaks

Four Falling Rocks

Three Freak Storms

Two Tornadoes

and a Partridge in a Bare Tree

On the eighth hour of doomsday

My cruel fate gave to me

Eight Raiders Filching

Seven Seas-A-Simmering

Six preachers praying

Five Molten Peaks

Four Falling Rocks

Three Freak Storms

Two Tornadoes

and a Partridge in a Bare Tree

On the ninth hour of doomsday

My cruel fate gave to me

Nine Rabies Outbreaks

Eight Raiders Filching

Seven Seas-A-Simmering

Six preachers praying

Five Molten Peaks

Four Falling Rocks

Three Freak Storms

Two Tornadoes

and a Partridge in a Bare Tree

On the tenth hour of doomsday

My cruel fate gave to me

Ten Lepers Leaping

Nine Rabies Outbreaks

Eight Raiders Filching

Seven Seas-A-Simmering

Six preachers praying

Five Molten Peaks

Four Falling Rocks

Three Freak Storms

Two Tornadoes

and a Partridge in a Bare Tree

On the eleventh hour of doomsday

My cruel fate gave to me

Eleven Vipers Biting

Ten Lepers Leaping

Nine Rabies Outbreaks

Eight Raiders Filching

Seven Seas-A-Simmering

Six preachers praying

Five Molten Peaks

Four Falling Rocks

Three Freak Storms

Two Tornadoes

and a Partridge in a Bare Tree

On the twelfth hour of doomsday

My cruel fate gave to me

Twelve Thunders Drumming

Eleven Vipers Biting

Ten Lepers Leaping

Nine Rabies Outbreaks

Eight Raiders Filching

Seven Seas-A-Simmering

Six preachers praying

Five Molten Peaks

Four Falling Rocks

Three Freak Storms

Two Tornadoes

and a Partridge in a Bare Tree

Rated NC-18 Christmas Special: Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol

Notice: ‘Horror month’ postponed due to slow death by exams

Intro

Ah, it’s that time of year again: getting trampled half-to-death while shopping at the mall; having to write a quadrillion letters and cards; intrusive in-laws; nagging children; nagging parents; getting hypothermia waiting at the bus stop; fruitlessly searching for that one defective bulb in your lights; what’s not to like? Well, I tell you what’s to like: giving in to our hyper-consumerist culture an indulging the many works of entertainment centered around this special occasion. Whether it be seeing…

...an angel rescue a poor soul on the verge of suicide and reminding him of the good that’s he’s done in his life...

...a whimsical kid shoot his eye out…

...A retired cop mutilate vaguely German terrorists…

...an anti-social creep commit grand larceny and animal cruelty…

...a undead skeleton hijack the entire holiday, turn it into something out of the ninth circle of hell, and scar every child for life (both in his world and ours mind you)...

...it’s always nice to just simply watch and re-watch on the things that give us indeed a merry Christmas; and for a certain bookworm to look back upon the definitive holiday novel. It is none other than Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Published back in 1843, this text brought a warm ethereal comfort to the dreary setting of Victorian England. Even centuries later, It’s still as timeless as ever, as it has been reimagined and revitalized on the silver screen again...

...and again...

...and again...

...and again…

...and now coming to theatre near you YET AGAIN!

But we’re not looking at those, for it’s best to look at the seed from which this tinsel dressed, ornament covered, present holding, star-topped tree sprang out from.

Summary

Giving how this is arguably the merriest of all the holidays in the world, I can’t wait for whatever happy intro is waiting on the first page get into the spirit of-

“Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail”

Okay, not quite what I had in mind, but let’s just wait a bit, maybe Scrooge’s nephew can liven the mood-

“Christmas a humbug, uncle!” said Scrooge’s nephew. “You don’t mean that, I am sure?”

“I do,” said Scrooge. “Merry Christmas! What right have you to be merry? what reason have you to be merry? You’re poor enough.”

*panicked voice* OR HOW ABOUT A COUPLE OF STRANGERS LOOKING TO COLLECT CHARITABLE DONATIONS?!

“Many can’t go there [bloody prisons and workhouses in case if you’re wondering]; and many would rather die”

“If they would rather die,” said Scrooge, “they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.”

OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

So yeah, the mood ain’t exactly what you would call festive as it has an isolated, conceited businessman who activities consist of giving everyone a mean look and making a hapless clerk work on Christmas Day who, because minimum wage hasn’t been invented yet, is unable to support his family and save his son from *insert child-killing disease here*. Well, if those gentlemen can’t restore the holiday spirit to this sour fruitcake, who will? That task is left up to the ghost of Scrooge’s deceased business partner Marley, and three other ghosts: The Ghost of Christmas Past, Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come-unless-you’re-the-selfish-jerk-who’s-being-administered-to-then-in-that-case-there-ain’t-gonna-be-one-AH HAH HAH HAH HAH!), because whatever divine creator exists in that world has a twisted sense of justice.

Critique

Minuses:

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Pluses

-Dickens captures the setting of Victorian England with savoury detail

-Doesn’t shy away from darker themes

-The Three Ghosts each have a distinct and memorable personality to them with Christmas Past, being comforting and mother-like, Christmas Present being light-hearted and fun-loving, and Christmas Yet To Come acting like something out of a horror novel

-The ultimate story of redemption and characters within it melts the heart more than the blazing fire I’ll sit around on Dec. 25th

Verdict:

12 Days of Christmas out of 12